Here's few lame jokes for you all 
A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses - the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today."
____________________________________________________________ A man left for work one Friday morning but, being a pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him' - "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye..!
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When Fred found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father would die, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy all the money he would get. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother!
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God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! it seems just the sort of thing a Man should have. Please! pleease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. so God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What is it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains!" said God.
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Facts on women: 1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, again they NEVER have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
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A husband comes home from the church, he greets his wife and lifts her up and carries her around the house, he has never done this before in his life.
The wife is so surprised and asks "Did the pastor preach about being romantic?"
The husband said, "No! He said we must carry our burdens and sorrows!"
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A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
